“darkness moves” – Henri Michaux
“Was wir sehen kçnnen, kçnnen wir sehen. Das Geheimnis ist offenbar.”
Rainald Götz, Irre
These fragments I have shored against my ruins
Why then Ile fit you. Hieronymo’s mad againe.
Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.
Shantih shantih shantih
– Eliot, “The Waste Land”
Madness with its wings
Has covered half my soul
It feeds me fiery wine
And lures me into the abyss.
That’s when I understood
While listening to my alien delirium
That I must hand the victory
– Anna Akhmatova, “Requiem”
& this i did. Hand over victory. Capitulate. The summer was 2016 (or was it ‘15, my sense of time from the beginning was unhinged. My brain & memory each other’s mortal enemy). Bathetic fool i was (if bathos of the flesh is possible), i wandered from the unmoving darkness of a Wedding flat; once red with wall constant lo-fi, synth-pop, post-punk; love, cigarettes, no alcohol, heroin, ketamin, futures forgotten, or randomly swerved into. us. unhappy passengers all behind our own steering wheel. We loved each other. Told each other so. Stayed close. Were safe. Sometimes shared stories, carefully.
At one point Emi & Liz were gone for summer. From then, we were just two; Yvie & me. Days, not quite weeks, i think, in scenes of flickering black&white TV; already faded as they unfolded. Red carpet turned entropic grey. Where Yvie went, i don t remember. The next two months or so, the count was one. Later, turns out Emi & Liz had not been aware i was still staying in their apartment.
Madness set in. I let it. did not consume much electricity, water, sustenance. made little sound. Refused the magic of music. My body, cells, & brain suckled on continual intake of ketamine (irregular pit-stops of Benzodiazepine, opium, Lysergic acid diethylamide, Dymthelytryptamine, hasj. Mainly ketamine).
Two months, six weeks. Came a day i noticed my body wrapped around a corner streetlamp. The day was a depthless, affectless, non-committal grey. I reeled forward into a vertigo of no dimensions. My body, a drawing in a monochrome, pencil-shaded, deaf ‘n’ dumb cartoon. The U8 is a one-line horizontal teleport from Wedding to Kreuzberg. The train is a single, undivided carriage. A twisting, white-blue-yellow metal-electric snake, with inside it, TV-eyes that force-flash, selected scenes of real-time-present into the eye-brains of zoned-out, quietly-desperate, or totally-wired passengers.
Now i am sat, cross-legged on the train’s sandpaper floor. Close to, and facing directly, two tourists (from the North Americas). One tucked into the corner, where the doors. The second, pressed against the first. This horizontal-teleport skips time. At same time, we find ourselves in the dead-zone. This is the moment. At least once in a lifetime, every human-animal, finds itself become all-of-a-sudden clear. Chameleonic hologram, monadic window into its own world. In such an instant – if-when truly, fully, electrified – a human-animal dissolves into all the versions of itself that it cld ever be. It tells a truth never recalled after the event. Words of a mad-person. Völlig irre. Der Wahnsinn selbe. Every certificate, & colour code of crazy.
So, i sit quiet, on the floor of breathe easy, until i see & feel myself. & see & feel person One & Two, and feel that they feel me; across ripples, diffractive patterns of vibrant matter. Already, we have exchanged atoms. Experience as textured tapestry of sound, warped entangled versions of each others future.
“you know me.” i say, still facing One & Two. “Less than a glimpse of infra-thin moment ago, there was a universe where we are not even strangers. In this version of present-reality, we sense all of each other’s possible morphologies. Our eyes are blinded by the searing bliss. How do we live. What does the knowledge of starvation, torture, horror, do to the souls & organs of our bodies. Sometimes delighted, free, childlike, changeable. In other moments, by this life, humbled, & mystified.”
One replies to my words for real. Almost eager to inhabit this place from where he is being spoken. Delirous, lucid, stupid, all at once. Two merely stares into middle-distance space. An empty square of air. Directly next to where my head is.
(We have not even gotten to the part where the boy goes really crazy. Only to be declared sane, in every bone, part of body, area of brain. ( another part, of the same story; to be told another day).